The Utahraptor Manifesto: A Guide on How to Not Suck Dick and Catch SCum

HELLO

Hi, welcome to my guide(manifesto). You came here because you are just awful. Don't worry as I am here to make you less awful. The road will be long and full of hardships but you will prevail. I have played over 1000 games and have thrown over 100 games by suiciding, so I think I know something about this game. You need help playing Epicmafia so I assume you are dumb and need shit broke down.
First I'm going to need you to watch this:

Part 1: Not fucking up

First of all, I really hope you didn't watch that video as it was a test. If you did watch the video just like I told you then you are already fucking up bad. The biggest mistake you can make in Epicmafia is listening to anyone. When playing it's important to note that you are the only one who is correct as everyone else is either A) a liar or B) being dumb. Use your own coconut when thinking over any decision and you will never fail. When you think for yourself you can avoid fucking up. But this is only one part of not fucking up, there are an infinite number of ways you could fuck up and knowing you I'm sure you will do most of them at one point. Scum slipping as mafia is fucking really bad, try not to do this. Make sure you have your shit together before you try faking any reports ect. If you are town and someone says you scum slipped -k them and call them dumb. I usually policy suicide at that point, but that's just me.

Part 2: Who dun it?

Lets say you are the owner of a record store and last night you noticed 20 dollars was missing from the register. Now, only 3 people worked last night so you have to use deductive reasoning to try and figure out who dun it.

So here are your suspects, all were working in the store that day and any one of them could have taken the cash. Given this data it is clear that suspect C has taken the money. Using this logic you will have a clear path to victory every game.

Part 3: Deception

Alright, look at this fucker to the left; he is so good at being a liar that he tricked millions of people into worshiping him as the son and the holy ghost. This is the level of trickery you need to get to if you want to be good at mafia. I mean you really have to be able to lie your ass off, this is like the most vital skill. Think about your childhood and how everything was a lie. Santa was fake, your dog never made it to that farm out in the country and remember Disney World? Of course you don't, you went to the fucking dentist instead. This is what you must do to your opponents, raise their hopes make them feel safe and secure in you, then as you take your place in the winners circle they shall know the true feeling of disappointment.

Part 4: High on intellectualism

So, you read some of my guide and I bet you are feeling pretty howdy dandy, maybe you even won a game or two, but that means jack shit. What you are suffering from is premature enlightenment. People are not the contents of their wallet, they are humans with a natural capacity for lies, its what we humans are best at and it is not wise to underestimate a creature whose very nature is deceit. You can theorize, and work a strategy but it will lead to your downfall. Focusing too much on the logistics of things makes you lose touch with what is really happening; no fear, no distractions, the ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.

Part 5: Meta gaming